If you aren’t getting the support you need from other people, Dr. Albers suggests turning inward. Remind yourself that situationships end for a lot of the same reasons more formal romantic partnerships end: Somebody’s needs aren’t being met. Hanging on to a situationship that’s no longer serving you can prevent you from finding a romance that will.
“Take the time to pause,” Dr. Albers recommends. “Maybe do some journaling reflecting on the pros and cons of your situationship. Think about what you learned, what you gained and what you’d want to avoid in the future.”
Mindset is key. “Really look at the situationship as a learning experience and not a mistake or failure,” she continues. “Understand it instead as just one aspect of your relationship history.”
If situationships are becoming a pattern
Most of us have experienced a situationship or two (or 10) at some point in our lives. In fact, some argue that they’re the modern form of courtship. They make sense for a lot of us and can be a lot of fun during certain chapters of our lives.
But that’s not true for everybody. And – depending on what you’re looking to get out of your romantic relationships – finding yourself in situationships over and over again might be a source of concern.
If situationships are becoming a pattern, Dr. Albers says it might be worth working through why with the help of a therapist.
“Situationships are often connected with having an avoidant attachment style,” she explains. “People with avoidant attachment styles are often reluctant to get close to others. ”
If you have an anxious attachment style, the opposite is true. And you probably aren’t enjoying all these ambiguous relationships. According to Dr. Albers, people with an anxious attachment style look for reassurance and clarity in their relationships.
So, why would a person with an anxious attachment style end up in a situationship? The short answer: trauma. Usually trauma related to divorce, abuse or some other situation that makes being vulnerable with other people feel threatening. Situationships can be a way of keeping a distance from other people.
When you’ve experienced trauma, it’s common to engage in hypervigilant behavior. You’re always trying to read the situation. You’re extra alert because you’re constantly assessing the potential threat around you. As a result, you’re used to experiencing confusing or mixed signals.
If you find yourself in romantic relationships that don’t align with your goals or meet your needs, whether or not they qualify as “situationships” isn’t important. What is important is that you get the support you need to build attachments that make you happy.
Shades of gray
Situationships are romantic or sexual entanglements where the participants haven’t established the nature of their relationship. What they look like – and how healthy they are – can vary widely.
Situationships can be a fun and low-pressure way to explore your connection with another person, but they can also be petri dishes for abuse. Clear, honest communication is the hallmark of a successful situationship. It’s also the best way to end a situationship that’s no longer meeting your needs.
- Irregular or superficial contact. Maybe you only talk once in a blue moon. Maybe you talk several times a week but avoid intimate conversations. Maybe you had deep, soulful conversations … for the three and a half weeks you spent together in Cuzcomunication in situationships tends to be sporadic, shallow or both.
For example, when a conventional relationship ends, we talk to our friends, who can relate to our situation and comfort us. When it comes to situationships, they may not even be aware of what’s been happening. And even if they are, they might not be as empathetic.
